No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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