I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
