you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize