And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
