my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
