The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he shaved USA in his pubs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
