dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
