This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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