I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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