wakey wakey hands off snakey
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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