You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize