The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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