I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
