she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
