god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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