Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
