I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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