first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
