Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
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