we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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