I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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