are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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