I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
