Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
