She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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