I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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