where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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