I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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