It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
