Screwed.edu
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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