i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
