before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
