I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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