I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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