dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
