and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
