I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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