Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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