Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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