I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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