If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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