Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
