So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
