Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
