I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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