I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
