I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
