He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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