I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
