I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
