Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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