I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
should my penis look like a turkey
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
