She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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