i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize