saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I died a long time ago.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
they need to just BURY HIM!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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