If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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