Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
