I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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