Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
