Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
