I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she peed on how many people?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
