What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
this hospital has no fireball
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
