Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
