Your mouth is God's brothel.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
