Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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