You're my little dorito
Plan B is the new Plan A
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have fence marks all over my body
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
