I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
