I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
