well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
