I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
