Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
