We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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