It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize