It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
