tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
