The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
