i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
