how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
