u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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