A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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